There are times in which I am alone in my office, and I have way too much time to think. I just sit here, and think about everything- Things that don’t matter. The past, my mistakes, my triumphs, my regrets, my hopes my dreams. I always tend to begin feeling a bit melancholy.
Why do I live in the past? I am aware it is no way to live. The past is a foreign country- they do things differently there. Yet, I find myself reflecting on it, almost visualizing it like a movie. I play the scenarios in my head, over and over like a crappy re-run…
It seems like it was so long ago now. Five years in the past, I sat on the back line at the restaurant I worked at. I was so thin, back then. I was malnourished and my skin had a tint of grey to it. I had these dark circles under my eyes, as evidence of the days prior. I recall sitting in the back room, hurdled over, trying not to vomit. I was withdrawing pretty badly- but then again, I always was. My best friend at the time, was the manager of the restaurant, and I truly believe that is the soul reason I remained employed there. Because, if i am being honest, I was a terrible employee. I would come into work, higher than the sky, and when I wasn’t high at work, I was coming in detoxing. I remember telling my best friend, “I don’t know how I keep getting so sick!”-
I knew he knew that I wasn’t just ill, but for some reason I felt the need to lie about my disheveled appearance and my constant need to use the rest room. I had not come to the realization that I was addicted to drugs yet, I truly believed that I used recreationally. I just assumed, perhaps I simply partied more than others.
It wasn’t until I met this girl, who became my direct supervisor, that I began to see that I was living in a cycle of addiction. I remember it so perfectly, the day she came in. She was beautiful- or at least, I thought she was. She had this curly reddish brown hair, with freckles, and she had this confidence that emanated from her. She was relatively masculine, yet had this feminine side to her. It was so strange for me, because it was the first time I had ever had this sort of attraction for another woman. There was just something about her that I instantly adored. She introduced herself to me, her name was Brittany. And I reluctantly introduced myself, while breathing heavily and sweating profusely. She looked at me, and I avoided eye contact. But she continued to stare at me for several second before she spoke again,
“You know you don’t have to feel this way anymore,”
I was taken off guard. I had just met this girl, and it felt that she knew my dirty little secret. I raised an eyebrow at her, and just blankly stared.
“Hang out with me, after work tonight,” She smiled.
Again, I was very confused. Was she asking me on a date or something? I shook my head, ever so slightly and looked at the ground,
“I’m going to my boyfriends house tonight. Sorry,” And I walked away.
I wasn’t lying, I did have to go to my at the time boyfriends house. I was only going there to ask him to lend me money, but I wasn’t going to tell some new girl that. After work that evening, I drove to his house.
Looking back now, I realize how terrible I was to him. Because he truly did love me… And all I did was use him.
I picked up the money, I had begged him for and began to drive back into town. I went to my dealers house, and I picked up. I called my ‘friends’ and we all decided to meet in the city. It was a common place for my crew and I to smoke what we needed to smoke to feel good, and have an awesome night.
I arrived at the usual meeting spot, and you wouldn’t believe who I saw when I got there.
It was Brittany. She was there, going to the movie theatre with a bunch of people. She and I made eye contact, and I turned away instantly, trying to avoid her from seeing me. Obviously it was too late.
“Thought you were going to your boyfriends house?” She asked,smirking at me.
“oh, yeah. I already went,” I became so nervous around her- I had no clue why.
She narrowed her eyes at me, and looked me up and down. I’m not sure if she was checking me out, because I wasn’t wearing my work uniform anymore, or if she was inspecting me.
“So, what’re you doing here?” She asked
“Just meeting up with some friends,” I was uncontrollably fidgeting, and she noticed. I kept looking away, then looking back at her. She then looked at me, like I was a lost puppy.
“When you get tired of this, let me know. I can help you.” She sadly smiled and walked back towards her friends. What did she mean, help me? I was fine- I was living my life, hanging out with friends, and doing my thing. But for the rest of that night, her face was stuck in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Around 12:30 AM I ended up texting her (I had gotten her number from my best friend who was the manager at the restaurant)
I was so high, I was feeling euphoric, and hyper. And I don’t know what came very me, but I remember just texting her
“I want to be friends with you ”
“Okay (: ” she responded
We talked for the rest of the night, texting. And she told me she wanted to hang out, to get to know me. We ended up making plans to meet at this random address she had sent me, the following day around noon, and honestly… I was so excited to see her.
The next day, I did myself up all nice, and tried to look as sexy as possible. I drove to the address, and you’d never guess where that address took me…
I was so confused. But, I saw Brittany standing outside. I parked and walked over to her,
“Why are we here?”
“Lets go sit inside, and you’ll find out.” She began to walk in, and I followed.
Lets begin this meeting with a moment of silence, followed by the serenity prayer.
Before I knew it, I was in an AA meeting. I felt so awkward, and I was a bit angry that Brittany had fooled me into going to one of these cult-like meetings. I was outwardly irritated, and when we walked out of the meeting I remained silent.
“so, what’d you think?” Brit smiled
“I think that you tricked me,” I scoffed.
“Well, I figured it was the only way to get you to come,” she smirked at me.
“Well, I don’t know why you wanted to me to come here. I’m not a fucking alcoholic,” I shot at her. She laughed, which pissed me off even more.
“I am. And a drug addict,” She shrugged
I was taken off guard once again. I would have ever guess that she had a drug problem. My anger subsided, and I just wanted to know more about her. We sat down on the curb, and she began to tell me about her life, and her struggle. She smoked pills, and shot up- Just like me. he spoke of how she would steal, and use people; How she had overdosed in the past. She went on and on, telling me all of these things that made me admire her.
“And now I have 14 months clean,” She smiled, with a glimmer in her eyes.
I don’t even know how to describe the way she made me feel. She was so amazing. They way she spoke, the way she carried herself- Everything about her was perfect.
I then felt compelled to tell her a little about myself.
“My whole life I’ve felt like I was not good enough-” I started to tell her. I went into detail about being raped when I was younger, but my then boyfriend. I told her of how my mother was a recovering Alcoholic, and how I once swore off drinking or drugging- I told her of how I lived in the shadow of my successful older sister, and of how I felt that I was never good enough. I told her of how I had been cheated on by every man I’d ever ben with, and I told her how I became introduced to drugs-
“At first it was just eating Molly, and before I knew it I had began shooting blues and smoking meth-” Tears formed in my eyes as I explained to her the things I did daily. I told her how dumb I felt, because at first I did drugs because it made me lose 70 pounds, and then it became a physical addiction. A mental addiction. As we sat and talked about ourselves, I felt different. I had this feeling of clarity, for the first time.
I realized I really did have a problem.
“Has the guy your with now, cheated on you?” Brit awkwardly asked
“No…” I started, “He loves me more than anything else in this world. And he’s a really good guy”
“Then why do you look so sad when you talk about him?” She narrowed her eyes- Wow. This girl was good.
“Oh, No I’m not sad at all,” I tried to convince her- and myself.
“What do you love about him?”
“He’s good for me. He has a great job, and he really cares about me.”
“Yeah- but what do you love about him?” she asked again, almost smiling
I couldn’t really answer that. I think I just wanted to be loved, and he gave me that. We sat and talked for close to two hours, before my cell phone began to ring. It was my boyfriend, Kris.
“Hey babe-” I answered, and for some reason I felt guilty calling him babe, in front of Brittany.
Brit shook her head, and looked away as I talked to him. He asked me to come over, since we were both off of work.
“I actually can’t, I have to go… With my sister to the mall, and then we’re going to dinner,” I lied to him. Why did I just lie to him?
We hung up the phone and I resumed talking with Brittany.
“I don’t want to keep you if you have to go meet with your sister,” She stood up
“Oh… I don’t actually have too, I just didn’t want to go over there.” I chuckled
Brittany smiled, almost mischievously.
“Why’d you lie?”
“I don’t know- I wanna hang out with you,” I shrugged
“Yeah, but… why lie about it then?” She raised an eyebrow.
Shit. She’s right… Why did I lie? We’re just friends, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
We spent the rest of the day together. We laughed, and talked about our pasts. I really enjoyed her company. We went to the city, and walked around, sharing intimate details of our fears, and our hopes. Kris called, and texted me throughout the night, but I never answered. I didn’t want to be bothered with him. I think that’s when I realized… My motives began to really change. I really liked her. Like, as more than a friend. But I wasn’t gay, I couldn’t be.
While we were walking around, I saw my dealer. Without thinking, I waved him over to myself and Brit. She looked upset after I did so, but I honestly didn’t think much of it. Brittany stood there awkwardly as I spoke to the dealer. I asked him to front me a gram of Molly, and I’d pay him the following week. He did so, and I swallowed the four caps of Molly- All at once.
Brit didn’t seem mad, just maybe a little worried. But I told her to lighten up, and said we should walk to the dock, on the beach.
When we got there, the Molly already began to hit me. I felt so euphoric and even a bit sexual. I felt myself becoming lost in my sexual urges.
“Are you okay?” Brittany awkwardly laughed, she noticed me staring at her intensely
“You are seriously the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” I blurted out. She didn’t say anything.
“Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” I evilly smiled
“No, just… That’s the drugs talking, not you ” she sighed
“No dude, I’m just finally brave enough to say it out loud,” I laughed- I felt so invincible, so confident. She looked at me, inspecting my dilated eyes, and relaxed body language.
That’s when I lost full control of my urges.
I suddenly wrapped my arms around her, and just kissed her. And whats even better- she kissed me back. It was the most intense, and indescribable feeling I’ve ever had- to this day. I felt on top of the world, like nothing else mattered. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I embraced her so tight and just kept kissing, and kissing her. But after about 20 seconds, she pushed me off of her-
“You have a boyfriend!” She yelled, confused and angry
I paused, and looked at her.
“I don’t even fucking care anymore” I shook my head and just looked at her
“You fucking get me. You see me, and you see more than the surface. You’re perfect. You are the most amazing person on the fucking planet, and I don’t care about anything else,” I just blurted out
Brittany looked so confused, but in a happy way.
“You can’t have us both-” She looked away
“I’ll leave him-” I replied
“What?!” Her eyes widened
” I would do absolutely anything for you,” I didn’t know what else to say. It’s how I felt. But… I’m not gay.
The rest of the night was spent fighting with her. She said she couldn’t ‘do this.’ She told me as long as I had a boyfriend, she couldn’t be involved with me, even if she wanted too. And She did want too.
The next few weeks, we spoke every day. We flirted at work. We decided to just be best friends. I didn’t break up with Kris, but I wasn’t spending any time with him, and I wasn’t really talking t him much. He always was asking what he had done to push me away, and I would just say that I’m “going through something right now”.
Time went on, and before I knew it, it was my birthday. I always had huge house parties, with a theme. The theme this year was Disney. I dressed as a slutty snow white, and let me tell you think: I looked damn good.
Kris came dressed as a prince, and I was annoyed that he came at all. But he was still my significant other, and I acted like I was happy he was there. Slowly my parent house filled with guests, and around 10:00 PM there were lost to 70 people there.
My cousin came, dressed up as red riding hood, and in her little basket, she brought me my birthday present: Molly, and Meth! I was so excited.
We got fucked up, in the bathroom together and then the party was on.
Around 11:00PM Brittany showed up, she wasn’t dressed up- but she came.
“Brittany!!!!!” I screamed and jumped on her, “I’m so happy you’re here!” She smiled and laughed and hugged me back-
“Oh, so you’re Brittany- I’m Kris,” Kris walked over and extended his hand for her to shake
“hey…” She reluctantly shook his hand
“Babe, go away” I bitched at him. He sadly just said “okay,” and exited.
“So how fucked up are you?” Brittany asked, trying to smile
“I feel so good,” I laughed
I walked her around the party, and introduced her to everyone. My cousin, Nikki knew about my feelings towards her, so she attempted to distract Kris from noticing how much time I was spending with Brittany and not him. The night continued on, and I kept doing more drugs, and drinking more Vodka. Around 1 in the morning, I grabbed Brittanys arm, and told her to come with me. I led her into my room-
“Nice, I see you like Marilyn Monroe,” She looked around
I shut the door. i paused for one moment, and then pushed her on my bed. I started to kiss her, forcibly. And she kissed me back. We made out for a few minutes, and then the door opened,
“Babe, what are-” It was Kris.
I looked at him, my lipstick smeared all over Brittanys face, and my own. It was silent, nothing but the music from the party in the background. Several seconds went by, and anger took me over.
“You don’t get the fucking hint, do you?” I stood up, and got into Kris’ face.
“What is thi-”
“I don’t want to be with you anymore, Kris” I screamed at him
“But, baby I-”
“No! I’m cheating on you, can’t you see that?”
He looked so shocked, and shook his head
“It’s okay baby, I don’t care if you want to experiment,” He tried to smile
“You don’t get it-” I looked back at Brittany, still laying on my bed, looking at Kris and I in fear.
“I’m in love with her,” I finally choked out.
Brittany looked at me, and I looked at her, tears in my eyes. I looked back at Kris, and he looked at me.
“Is this really what you want?” Kris whispered
“It is,” I nodded
“Well… I hope you two make each other happy. I love you, and your happiness is all that matters,” Kris forced a smile, and kissed my hand, “Goodbye.”
I looked back at Brittany, and she just stared at me in shock. I sat down next to her, on my bed. We sat in silence for several minutes, just looking at our feet.
“You love me?” She quietly asked
I paused, and took a deep breath.
“I do,” I looked at her, and touched her hand
“Are you going to love me when you sober up?” She took her hand away from mind, and I grabbed it tightly
“I think I’m going to love you not matter what.”
We sat there together, my heart was pounding, and I was sweating. She looked scared, and confused. And I think she was, but I was too. I had never been with a girl, and I didn’t understand why I was so drawn to her. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel so alone.
“I want to make you feel wanted,” Brittany whispered, quoting a song of the same name.
And from that night on- She did.
We returned to the party, and we held hands the entire time- or at least when there wasn’t a bottle in my hand. Brittany looked so out of place during the party, but she stood by my side, the entire time.
I’m going to fast forward a bit here, because for the next month or so, we began dating in secret from my family. Brittany did not support the fact that I was still doing drugs and drinking, and she frequently brought me to AA and NA meetings with her. I, however blatantly told her that I was not ready to stop using. And for a while, she was okay with being sober while I used…. But things take a toll, and my using took a toll on her.
“Can we talk about something?” Brit asked me one night, while we were watching television.
“Sure babe, anything”
“Well, I don’t think… I don’t think I want to be sober anymore,”
I was shocked beyond belief.
That evening we fought, because somehow I made her decision about me. She stated that she had been feeling this way for a while, but never voiced it. She told me she simply missed having a beer, or smoking weed. After several hours of tears and fighting, I finally said
“Okay then. Lets go smoke a blunt.”
Brittany smiled, almost fearfully. We went to my back yard, and I rolled the blunt. I told her she could have the first hit. And she did.
We smoked for a while, and she looked so happy- Finally I no longer felt so bad. We could finally smoke weed, and drink together. And that night, we did. I even decided to buy 10 grams of Molly, because my way of thinking was: If she’s going to relapse, she’s going to do it right.
We got high, and spent the whole night listening to EDM music, and singing to each other about how much we were in love. And you know what? It stayed good, just like that first night for about five months. We were high every night, and every day. We even began steeling money from the restaurant we worked at, and we never got caught.
Then… Then we began to fight. She got more drugs than I did, or she thought I was hiding a stash from her. We were both in a delusion, and we constantly fought. I was getting too thin, because of the meth and because of my anorexia. I weighed about 85 pounds, and still wanted to do more meth because I thought I was fat. And Brittany wanted to shoot Kolonopin, but I thought it was nasty and that we shouldn’t waste our drug money on such a shitty pill. Well, we ended up robbing a few people, and we decided to start buying drugs for ourselves. At this point, my parent had found out that I was dating a woman, and they began to catch on to our drug use.
Time went on, things got worse. I was constantly fighting, and going insane in my own mind. I thought Brittany was cheating on me, and I thought that she was trying to kill me in my sleep. I was literally going insane. I felt bugs crawling all over me all of the time, and I was always angry at Brittany for something. We physically fought, and then we would cry and make up- Because we loved each other. However, we did have a discussion, after we had been together for about 8 months that we needed to get sober. We agreed that we would have one more huge party, on new years. And the next day we would get sober, So that was the plan.
We prepared for this party, and invited almost 200 people. I had lost most of my actual friends at this time, because they didn’t agree with my junkie ways. But I assumed everyone would still come, because everyone loved my parties. Brittany and I spent all of our money for that party, and not all food or drinks- Just on drugs. Roughly 25 grams of Molly, 6 grams of Meth, 3 grams on heroin, and I don’t even know how much crack. I think I secretly planned to die that night, in my own twisted way. But, I survived it. The party was already 2 hours in, and only 5 people had shown up, and they weren’t even people I liked. Th night progressed, and a few more people showed up. I thought at one point that Brittany was flirting with a guy friend of ours, Mike. So I tried to fight him-
I ran tweezers into his side and screamed
“Get the fuck away from my girlfriend!”
Mike, who was also just as high as myself, straight up hit me in the face. I then decided that everything was Brittanys fault. I jumped up and started pushing her- accusing her of cheating on me.
“Yeah? You like dick now?” I kept screaming at her, pushing her
“Stop fucking pushing me!” She kept repeating, which made me push her more and more.
“Fuckin’ hit me, bitch! I want you to fucking hit me!” I was laughing in anger at this point. I continued to push her and scream at her, I believe I even spit on her at one point.
“Fuck you!” She finally pushed me back, and without missing a beat, I just kicked her in the stomach.
She fell down, and looked up at me.
“Get the fuck out of here.” I looked down at her, wiped the sweat off my brow, and walked away.
Mike helped Brittany up, and the two of them left together. I was furious, because that was reaffirming my accusations that she was cheating on me. Everyone else cleared out of my party, and I sat down on the back patio, with a bottle of Vodka, and a crack pipe in hand.
I was alone. I was completely alone. I hit the pipe, and just sat in silence. My mom finally came out, and just looked at me- Tears formed in her eyes.
“What happened to your party?” She quietly asked, pretending like she hadn’t been watching the entire time.
I did’t even look at my mother, I just slowly raised the pipe to my lips, and hit it, right in front of her. As I exhaled, I coughed out “I’m the only one that’s left.”
Silence, complete and utter silence for several minutes as my mother stared at me.
“you’re not even my daughter anymore,” she cried, and walked back into the house.
That’s when I realized the severity of what I had become.
I began trying to clean up, from the party. I kept crying, realizing just how far down the scale I had gone. I tried to call Brittany, to apologize, but she didn’t answer. At this point, I was still high and under the illousin she was cheating. I kept texting her, as well as Mike saying horrible things about how she didn’t love me or care about me.
I sent text after text, with no response. It wasn’t until around 6 AM that I finally passed out from exhaustion
I woke up the next day with a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. It was Brittany. She said she had been in a car accident, and went through the windshield. And of course, me being delusional I didn’t believe her. I thought she had just been out cheating on me. I called texted her once more, calling her a heartless bitch, saying that I hope she’s happy with Mike.
That’s when I got a call from another friend of ours, Becky.
“Dude, stop blowing up Brittanys phone. Her and Mike were in a car accident last night,” Becky shouted. I still didn’t believe it- It was obvious that she was just helping them cover up what they were really doing.
My phone buzzed, it was a picture text from Becky.
It was Brittany, she was laying in a hospital bed, her head wrapped up and her face cracked.
“Oh my god…” I whispered
“Yeah, maybe you should think of someone other than yourself,” Becky hung up on me after that.
She really was in an accident. I later found out that she went through the windsheild of Mikes car. I wasn’t aware that Mike and Becky were dating, and I wasn’t aware that Becky was in the car with them when the accident occurred. Becky later told me that Mike and Brittany had picked her up, and they all just went out driving- trying t make Brittany feel better about the fight her and I had. They were crossing an intersection, and a car hit them; Brittany was the only one not wearing a seat belt. She went through the front of the car, and was rushed to the hospital.
Later that night, Brittany called me. We talked for a while, and I told her how sorry i was for being so selfish. I told her that I loved her and that we were going to make it through this together. And I really did believe it. I told her that I was going to go to my first real AA meeting, and pick up a white chip. I told her I was ready to get sober.
unfortunately, she was not.
“But that was our plan,” I expressed to her
“Yeah but, I’m just not ready,” She defended
And so, I went to my first serious meeting- And Brittany continued to use. We decided we couldn’t be together, until she decided she was ready to get sober again. We stayed broken up for about a month, until she called me one night to tell me she was ready.
We met at the church we had both met at the first time we hung out, and she picked up her white chip. I was so happy, that we finally were going to get sober together.
Fast forward 6 months, and everything was great. We were both working the AA steps, and working with our sponsors. We even decided to move in together, into a small apartment. We were happier than we had ever been. Life was becoming so good, and I was looking forward to the future.
Brittany and I frequently discussed our future together, and our plans to get married. She even showed me the ring she wanted to get me, when the time was right. We were finally becoming healthy for one another, and we finally were growing up.
But then, of course… Things don’t stay good for long. Around my 9th month sober and Brittanys 8th month sober, she started acting a bit distant. We had stopped having sex, and we didn’t call or text throughout the day. I thought maybe she was just stressed, and I learned through recovery that maybe I should just give her space.
A month of her strange behavior went by, and she busted through the front door one day-
“Babe, start packin! We’re moving to Virginia!”
I was very confused.
“Um, no I’m not,” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes babe, we are! I got offered an awesome job there!” She was so excited. But I was a little upset that she decided to just make this decision for me. I explained to her that I wasn’t ready to be so far from my family, and that lately our relationship had been struggling. I didn’t feel that it would be smart to move away, especially because our AA network was where we already were.
“Well, think about it. You have two weeks to decide if you want to come,” She was angry, and didn’t seem to care about my opinion on moving.
The two weeks went by, and I had made my choice.
“Babe…” I approached her one evening, while she was watching television
“I’m-… I’m not going with you,” I reluctantly confirmed
It was quiet. She had nothing to say, and neither did I. She just shook her head, and I nodded. I waled upstairs and began to pack my things to move back in with my parents.
A few hours later, She walked me out to my car.
“I want you to know, I do love you,” Tears formed in my eyes
“I know. And I love you,” She responded
We embraced each other. We decided we were going to remain a couple, only long distance, and maybe I would join her when I was ready. We said our goodbyes, and I drove back to my parents house.
The rest of the night was odd, because I texted and called Brittany throughout the remaining hours. She didn’t respond.
She didn’t respond the next day, and she didn’t call me before her flight was supposed to leave. I tried not to make myself crazy, and figured she was just busy… Until I logged on to Facebook.
She had been tagged in a picture from the previous night. She was at a club, with a girl… And she had a beer in her hand.
Brittany had relapsed. And it killed me. I decided to remain calm, and simply delete Brittany off of Facebook, and logged off for the rest of the night. I was crushed. I didn’t even care at this point about her being with another girl, I was more worried about her relapsing right before a big move.
She called me the next day. We had a heated discussion about the Facebook photo, and she didn’t deny that she relapsed. She did however, tell me the girl in the photo was just a friend who was married, and I believed her. he told me how she has decided to only drink, like a normal person. She requested me to move to Virginia again, and again. I kept saying no, and then she offered me something strange,
“i=If you move here, we can be normal. No drugs, just drinking, and living a normal 22 year olds life!”
That sounded wonderful… But I had learned by now, that I wasn’t ever going to be normal. There was no such thing as being a normal drinker, or user again. Because… I’m a drug addict. And the moment I think I can drink normally, I will end up right back at the bottom. I told her no, once again-
“You once told me, you would do anything for me,” She almost angrily spat at me
“I used to think I would… But that’s one thing I won’t do. I will not relapse for you.”
It was one of the hardest things I had to do; say those words to the woman I loved more than anything else in this universe. But I was finally sober, and I finally wanted to be strong enough to say no.
I told Brittany that it was over, and that I would always love her. I meant it, too. It was very difficult for me to let go of her. Because within the deepest parts of my heart, I always believed we were meant to be together.
Its been three and a half years since then. Brittany is still actively using, and she is engaged to the girl from the Facebook picture- the ‘married’ one. I am happy for her. Even though, I miss her, all of the time, I know that we are no longer characters in the same story. Her life, and mine are on two separate paths, and although I still love her with every ounce of my being, I know now that we were never meant to last. Brittany entered into my life to get me sober, and maybe some day, someone else will enter her life to help her.
I have been sober for three years and six months. It’s not easy, and I frequently relive this story of how I got sober, and the young lady that inspired me to get clean. I look forward to the life I have ahead of myself. But at times, it is nice to look back and remember the tale that taught me to become the woman I am today.
Reminiscing is such sweet sadness.